We haven’t just pissed off everyone on Earth

UFO’s aren’t visiting as much, either.

Earth used to be, like, the hottest place for aliens to visit. They would fly billions of light years across the galaxy in their flying saucers just to see how our civilisation was going and if we’d yet figured out whether there was really any difference between cellulite and plain old fat.

These aliens used to love appearing in the background of our holiday snaps, the advanced design of their ships clear for all to see once the image had been digitally enhanced. Sometimes their ships would even make fleeting cameos in home movies, buzzing in and out with astonishing speeds, just like an alien spacecraft equipped with a trans-light hyperdrive, or a fl y passing too close to the camera lens.

They liked us. In fact, they liked us so much that they would sometimes invite people on to their ships, take them for rides around the universe, tell them all about their alien technology and culture, then insert large probes into their bottoms for reasons that are probably none of our business.

These guests were not selected at random and typically had several crucial features in common: they were always from the country; they had very few friends; they were never in possession of any sort of camera; and they never remembered anything until they were either under deep hypnosis or on television, preferably both.

But it has been a very long time since we’ve had a decent UFO sighting. Indeed, it’s been so long that many people have forgotten what UFOs look like. This has had a deleterious effect on UFO sighting statistics, which have fallen with alarming alarmingness over the past few decades.

Clearly, Bush’s foreign policy is to blame. It’s even managed to alienate aliens.

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